Update – April 5th


So, last Monday I said I was gonna stop posting daily but try to skip 1 day at most between posts.

Tuesday I got some crap news that kinda threw me into a pit of despair for a bit.

The reevaluation of my request for financial aid came back negative.

There’s several kinds of aid programs or whatever they’re called.

This is the only that applies to me because I can’t handle job interviews let alone work.

Basically there are 4 guidelines.

All of these need to receive a no in order to get it.

1. Can you work 1 hour on end.

2. Can you work 4 hours a day 5 times a week.

3. Can you complete a single task.

4. Do you have basic work capabilities. (Make a coo of coffee or something simple like that)

If all of these are answered no, you’re still not done. There’s one more question that’s probably more important than anything.

5. Will this stay the same for the rest of your working life?

If this is answered no, you won’t get anything from this particular aid program.

Now, until a few years ago the fifth question didn’t exist.

If the first 4 applied to you, you’d get aid for a few years and then get reevaluated.

In which case I would’ve been a perfect candidate according to one of the people reviewing my case. (Yay, thanx that makes me feel great!😑)

The answers to the questions in my case are as follows.

1. No, I can hardly do the dishes or write a letter without having to take multiple breaks because of the horrible pain I’m in.

2. Absolutely not, if I were to work for 4 hours spread out over a day, I would have no energy whatsoever to do it again the next day. Not to mention the fact that my house would be an enormous mess because I can hardly keep it clean without being exhausted and in pain from work.

3. Yes, sure I can make a cup of coffee. But only if the circumstances are ideal. I could make my dad a cup of coffee on a good day but but anyone outside my close circle would get half of it in the cup and half on the saucer because I would be shaking both from pain and fear. Plus I can’t hold things for long without my hands wanting to drop it so that’s not great either.

If I happened to see a dead bird or a life one too close on my way to work I would be unable to do anything until my panic attack resides and then I’d be exhausted so I still wouldn’t be able to do anything.

4. Same answer as before basically. I’m hella smart and have an above average IQ but it doesn’t matter one bit if my body and mental state doesn’t agree with the situation.

5. I think so but I don’t own a crystal ball. My therapists want to stay positive and say I’ll get better. But I can’t even remember the last day I wasn’t in pain.

And yet they believe I can work 4 hours a day now, and expand to 4 hours a day 5 days a week. I can apparently also work more than an hour in one go and can handle many tasks.

In other words they think I’m lying, even though my freaking therapist and counselor where at the meeting corroborating my story. Or telling it really cause all I could do was look outside at where my dad was parked in hopes of not going into full panic mode.

We’re getting a lawyer to look it all over to see what our chances are in court. But honestly I’m just freaking tired, and I kinda just want to give up and move back in with my parents.

Anyway super long post so here’s Darkness as a baby.

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